Best Man Guide

The Speech - Tips & Advice

Part One: Some great tips on how to deliver the perfect Best Man's speech. Part 2

The Best Man's Speech - Nerve Wracking Stuff!

This is the part that most attendant wedding guests will remember you for, regardless of how well you do everything else. You could be dapper as hell, courteous, punctual and charming throughout the entire day. But if you screw up the speech, bore the arse off those present, or generally do for public speaking what Fred West did for gardening, then that's what people will take away with them as their memory of the Best Man.

Write it early!

Well, yes it is. But that's all the more reason to make sure that yours is warm, humourous and well-received. There are a hundred ways to cock it up, but far less if you put together a loose skeleton of a speech months in advance, adding to it whenever you hear or read a fact or quote that fits the bill. You do not want to be ducking behind the church with a notepad and pencil only ten minutes before the happy couple tie the knot. You ideally want it sorted out weeks in advance, save for any last minute touch of creative panache that puts your personal seal on things.

Once the speech is written, you'll enjoy the build-up to the day so much more. Of course, there is also the possibility that you could write a truly outstanding speech, only to then completely balls it up when the time comes to deliver it! You're right, it IS unfair...

Natural Talent

There are those rarities of Best Man who jot down a couple of anecdotes the night before the service, worry not a jot, arrive at the church looking ice-cool, and then, at the required time, stand and ad-lib to perfection, regaling both sides of the wedding party with pathos, wit and colour, before sitting down to rapturous applause and the heartfelt admiration and awe of every person there....

Everyone Else

....And then there's everyone else. Those of us who need at least three pints before we can even think about being funny, and even then only to certain mates in the local pub. The notion of standing (mainly sober) in front of an attentive and silent throng of hats, suits and expectant stares from both sides of the union, the bride's family steeling themselves for anything too crude or revealing about the groom, the groom himself fearing the damage that could be done in those next 10 to 15 minutes.. It's a chilling prospect if you go about it the wrong way, and your start to the monologue is absolutely critical. With the blank pad in front of you, we now suggest several themes for your consideration - and several more to make sure you banish from your mind forever:

Best Man Speech Topics

Safe Bets

• The Happy Couple's Unique Magic
• The Groom's Amusing Childhood Stories
• The Venue
• The Food
• How Nervous You Are/Were
• Compliments to the Bridesmaids
• Compliments to the Bride's Family
• Compliments to the Groom's Family
• Their future children
• The Toast/Finale

Might Work if Kept Reasonably clean

• The Honeymoon
• How The Couple First Met
• The Groom's Embarrassing Moments/Habits

Don't Even Think About It!

• The stag weekend
• His previous partners
• Her previous partners
• Double entendres about the bride's mother
• Slagging off the food
• Slagging off the venue
• Which bridesmaid you'd prefer to shag
• The Groom's secret incontinence/adoption/cross-dressing

Seriously though: There's no quicker way to make a total arse of yourself than by over stepping the mark and ruining the big day for the bride....if in doubt...DON'T!!

»» If that's not enough - Onwards to Part 2

The Speech - Tips & Advice Part 2

Part Two: More great tips on how to deliver the perfect Best Man's speech. Part 1

Think, Four Weddings and a Funeral

The name of the game is inoffensive charm, which, if you can manage it, is sure to keep you on the winning side. Think Hugh Grant meets.. well, Hugh Grant actually. You should maintain a consistent eye contact as you "work the crowd", never resting for too long on the cleavage of that naughty-looking auntie that you spotted earlier. You should try to inflect some form of expression in your voice, particularly at the start and end of what you want to say. If you're nervous enough in the weeks leading up to the wedding, you may even find yourself stood practicing the whole thing whilst standing in your bedroom in just your socks. A sort of non-dress rehearsal, if you will, or a stress rehearsal, as it will be for some of you!

Be yourself

Don't be too flowery. The temptation might be to put on heirs and graces that will take away your natural speaking voice and normal mannerisms, so just remember that the groom picked you because of who you are. Don't go all "My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen.." because it will just sound crap and everyone will laugh behind your back (except the little kids, who'll do it to your face).

Think on Your Feet

Because you're going last out of the three main speeches, you may even have to think on your feet too when it comes to the time factor. If the Bride's Father rambles on for 25 minutes, followed by the Groom for a similar time, you might be well advised to cut the story about the time that the main man fell off a donkey in Biarritz and trim the length to reflect any growing bum-numbness amongst the flock. On the other hand, the first two speeches might pass by in under 15 minutes, leaving you to carry the torch and go for a slightly longer piece than you'd intended.. Perhaps the circumstances may then be right for the story that ends "..and when he woke up in the garage, he'd also wet himself!"

Visual Aids

A good idea is to include something visual and throwaway to keep people's attention, whether that's a rib-tickling poster, item of clothing you've brought along or mini game show based on questions about the couple/groom. Try not to be too in-jokey when it comes to the Groom either. There's nothing more likely to send everyone to sleep than hearing 27 stories about when "..me and Andy went cow-tipping in Mansfield.." Try to balance your obvious affection for The Married Man with a courtesy towards everyone else.

Enjoy It!

Most of all though, don't forget that this is a crowd who are all willing you to do well. They're likely to laugh at anything even halfway funny and they all admire your bottle for just standing up there in the first place. It's a family atmosphere and you're part of that family, at least on this special day. It doesn't have to be worthy of Shakespeare - in fact, the more naturalistic you make it, the better - and it doesn't have to reduce people to tears of sadness and joy. It's the prelude to the toast and you're the one bringing home the baton. You know what? You're going to enjoy it!

»» Ok, the ceremony is over - So What Now?

After the Ceremony

It doesn't stop straight after the speech you know!

Well done! You've kept that newly-married best mate of yours off the sauce and on-time for the ceremony, you've rallied the ushers, posed for the photographs, you've ingratiated yourself with every soul there, you've resisted the urge to make any crude comments to any attractive ladies present and you've just gone and slayed them all with a knockout speech of simplicity and brilliance. Magic. But don't think that's the end of the Best Man for the day, oh no. You've still got several smaller, but no-less expected tasks ahead before you can start impersonating Mick Jagger or Jarvis Cocker on the dancefloor later that same evening.

Presents

Principally, you've got to make sure that the gifts everyone has bought the happy couple are not half-inched by some passing delivery driver with a grudge against marriage on account of his two previous personal disasters. In other words, it's up to you how you do it, but make sure that there are provisions made for getting the 18 toasters, 12 George Foremans and 7 sets of steak knives up to either the bridal suite, your own...or to someone's home, where they'll be remaining until the newlyweds send for them. Perhaps it might even be that they'll need storing at your own house until after the honeymoon, so make sure you make space in your pad for all those unusual ornaments and very usual sets of steak knives.

Suit Returns

You'll also need to co-ordinate with the ushers to get those penguin suits back to the hire place on time. Again, this won't require Einstein to oversee things, but leaving this task to chance could be a very expensive mistake. It may be that the chief usher has since spilled a full gravy boat right down his waistcoat, in which case you're going to lose the deposit unless your Gran can rub it through for you prior to its return. It may be that you've lost one of the usher's temporarily, mysteriously around the same time as the groom's sister went missing, so you may need to get hold of him and get all the hire stuff together so that you don't have to face this on the morning after, and through very slitty eyes. It's usually the case that the suits won't have to be back until the Monday morning, but time goes by so fast at weddings that it's in your own interests to get this task sorted before the evening begins. You don't want to be interrupted mid-boogie by one of the guys, saying that he can't remember where he's put his Moss Bros jacket.

Photographs

Not so much a task on the day, but there'd be no smugger bloke on earth than the Best Man who's just presented a surprise compilation album of photos taken on the day to the new Mr & Mrs x as they return from honeymoon a week or so later. There may be a professional hired or not, but if you find out who has taken piccies from the start, you're in a strong position as Best Man to gather in a great collection and put them in a book. A beautiful, classy touch to round off your satisfying performance, whilst reminding the Groom what a good job you made of it on the day too (he'll have half-forgotten after the honeymoon. Well, wouldn't you?)

»» You're done, or maybe not? Above and Beyond

Above and Beyond

Extra-Curricular Best Man duties that you weren't told about!

There are many areas of the Best Man role that you may find come as naturally to you as tap-dancing does to Stephen Hawking, and others that you'll grab very firmly with both hands. There follows a selection of those responsibilities that, although you won't find written down in any wedding brochure, will nonetheless score you extra points in the eyes of your peers:

Sobering Up the Groom

Ten cups of Nescafe Gold Blend later, those pissholes in the snow that masqueraded as eyes an hour ago are now showing some form of pulsating, terrified life. It's a start at least, though you make a mental note not to allow any close-up photographs for the time being!

Stopping Him From Escaping

His first panic attack happened before the cab had even left his own street, so you knew at that point it would be a wise move to ask the driver to put the child-proof locks on. Another job well done!

Booking the Stripper

A massive dose of lifelong respect and appreciation will be on its way to you from all those stag guests who were suddenly forced to re-think their notions on ping-pong balls and basic anatomy several weeks before the wedding. A bad stripper, i.e. a miserable cow who is clearly only there to put in the bare (sorry) minimum and pick up her wedge, reflects negatively on you. A really good stripper, i.e. a girl really enjoying what she's doing and hitting that balance between the erotic and the hilarious, will make you look bloody great!

Working Code of Silence

Just to be on the safe side, you need to establish an effective way of keeping all things secret that should stay secret - mainly from the stag weekend of course - in the interests of pointless tittle-tattle and irritating killjoys. There's often one bloke in every stag group who can't wait to spill any supposed beans, but a little pep-talk with all and sundry whilst you're away, as well as a gentle reminder when all the lads meet up again at the pre-wedding night before drink, should give you another point towards success for all.

Bagging A Bridesmaid

With the speeches done, the responsibilities realised and the alcohol going down quicker than Robert Maxwell at high tide, the last remaining twist of glory is to hit on that cracker of a bridesmaid who you spotted adjusting her dress about 5 hours ago, but were forced at the time - through duty - to put to the back of your mind. She's also "quite merry", which certainly doesn't harm your chances at all, and you suddenly sense that you have managed to pull off (steady on now!) a major success in carrying out your Best Man duties.. and then some. Since you've spent so much time attending to the concerns, nerves, fears and hopes of the two people slow-dancing ten feet away from you, isn't it time to complete affairs with a touch of personal, much-deserved satisfaction? Who knows, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship...

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