So, Wedding Season is upon us. Hoorah! We now have the excuse to treat ourselves to expensive frocks and fancy hats without feeling guilty.
No matter what role we play in the big day, from Bridesmaid, Groom, to a random Plus One who’s been invited by default, we are all aware there’s a certain wed-iquette that must be adhered to.
However, when that complimentary champers gets a-flowin’, all we’ve ever learnt goes out the window. We expect to encounter a few of these colourful characters…just try to make sure you’re not one of them.
As the Dalai Lama himself once said, ‘One who does not utilise a free bar to its fullest capacity, is one who does not strive for world peace’. Or something along those lines.
1. ‘Oooh if only I was fifty years younger…’
Great Aunty Mavis has been tea-total since 1984, but suddenly she’s got her frock tucked into her control pants and she’s twerking against the Best Man. We just wish it was possible to un-see things.
2. ‘Move b*tch, get out the way’
There may not be any scientific evidence to prove that the lucky lass who catches the bouquet will be next to marry. But for some reason when the occasion is upon us, and we’ve made the absolute most of the open bar (cheers guys), us lasses will risk anything to get our mitts on that bouquet.
3. ‘I love you, man’ ‘I love you too, man’ ‘No man, I love you more’.
Weddings are all about love (obvs). And those lads aren’t half feelin’ it. They’ve been best pals since Year 3, and have never even hugged. But all these wedding vibes (and Sambuca shots) have gone to their heads, and they’re declaring their undying love for each other in the middle of the dancefloor. Aw, you guys.
4. ‘Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence - a life sentence!’
Cringey Dad jokes by the bucket load; an essential addition to any wedding party.
The Father of the Bride’s got his hands on an unsuspecting group of guests who just can’t escape, and he’s taken on the persona of a Z-list stand-up comedian. The drunker he gets, the thicker and faster the jokes come.
5. ‘More shots?!! Yeeaahhh let’s get Jägerbombs!!! Ahhh!!!’
There’s always one group (typically rugby lads, ties around their heads, you know the ones) who drinks waaaay more than the rest. They’re loud, brutish, and don’t give a sh*t what’s going on around them. Hint: if you can’t spot them, it’s probably you.
6. ‘I thought I’d give you a gift money can’t buy, the gift of my voice...’
Some random who got through to the Pop Idol quarter final in 2002 has had one too many, found a microphone and is belting out a bit of Celine Dion’s All By Myself. No one’s ears are safe.
7. ‘Just one more drink…’
We’ve all spotted him. It’s the very end of the night, everyone’s had a wonderful time, but he just can’t accept that it’s time to go home.
His eyes have glazed over, he’s drank the bar clean out of vodka, and between trying to pull every female guest, he’s been skidding across the dancefloor on his knees whilst making Tarzan noises. Someone take this guy home.
8. ‘I’ll never find love, it’ll just be me, and my cats, FOREVER...’
The recently single Chief Bridesmaid has put on a brave face all day, and all of her duties have been carried out flawlessly.
But as the happy couple take to the floor for their first dance, she downs another glass of champagne, and let’s it allllll out...