Well, well well… it’s only the moment we’ve ALL been waiting for: the return of Made in Chelsea. FINALLY! ‘OMG, there’s so much to catch up on - what the devil has been happening in MIC since the last series?!’ I hear you cry. Probably loads of stuff. But, you know, like the same stuff - people talking about each other and kissing people they shouldn’t ‘cause they’re going out with someone else and then the shit hits the fan at the weekly fancy dress soirée and girls cry and stuff. It’s amazing.
via Made in Chelsea Facebook
If this sounds thick with sarcasm, as though I’m going to start this series of reviews with a tirade of abuse at these jumped-up South Kensington toffs who wouldn’t know a hard day’s work if it smacked them in the Hugo Boss pocket square, then I should probably kick off proceedings with a confession - I love Made in Chelsea. And not in an ironic way either, I genuinely take an inordinate amount of pleasure from watching this self-confessed ‘constructed reality’ show of privileged young London socialites.
So, we’ve got some old faves and we’ve got some newbies. After Sam (painfully try-hard brother of Louise who keeps cropping up with a faux sarf Landan gansta twang - I still haven’t recovered from last series when he invited Fran round for a date and did the old ‘oops, you’ve got an eyelash on your cheek’ move within three seconds of her arrival #cringe) runs through the streets of Chelsea to wake Jamie for his flight, we’re introduced to the concept of the episode - BARBADOS. At the airport, we’ve got Andy (whose arousal levels are evident by the flaring of his nostrils - and I mean this as a compliment: he’s like a sexy urban dragon with a spiffing array of checked shirts), Jamie (PHEW! He made it! Whaddya know) and two new lasses, Millie and Jess (Andy’s nostrils go wild for the crowd).
Alex and Spencer (or ‘Spenny! Ma boiiiii!’ as Jamie affectionately calls him) are already there with their beloveds (I use the term loosely). Spencer emerges from the sea like he’s in a Davidoff Cool Waters advert and, fair play to the guy; he’s got in shape. He and Alex lie on a boat with their lithe, tanned beauties. To recap: Alex is the notorious philanderer with a nauseating quiff who smashed Binky’s heart to smithereens in the last series after cheating on her with approximately 2837 different identical blonde Chelsea women - including having an orgy with Spencer Matthews *vom*.
via Buzzfeed
I imagine that the girl who decided it was a good idea to climb into the middle of this terrifying sexual sandwich has since spent her time trying to rid herself of (as well as the memory) the the array of hair products she will have battled in the bedroom. In fact, the poor poppet’s probably scarred from this unprecedented battle of the barnets; Spencer’s greasy ‘suave sea captain’ meets 1980s spiv barnet VERSUS the 16 litres of hipster hairspray Alex has on his almighty quiff. I also suspect that they will have had to pause mid-sesh for the boys to reset their wigs - a most curious interlude, but at least it will have given the lady extra time to look in the mirror that is blaters on Spencer’s ceiling and wonder what the hell she’s doing with her life.
via Buzzfeed
Alex, I have no time for. He makes my skin crawl with his softly spoken lies. His overly preened head is so bland it almost matches his personality. Spencer looks even more ridiculous in the later breakfast scene, with enough oil on his hair to power most of Chelsea, but I’m consoled by the fact that he’s clearly about to escort me off to show me a collection of knock-off Fendi handbags in the his car trunk as soon as he’s finished his pain au raisin – that always cheers me up.
I think Made in Chealsea’s problemo is that they’re not ready to evolve - we’re on Series 9, kids, you gotta move with the times! Spencer has had his time as lead adulterer and watching him play the hapless love rat is just a bit pathetic. It’s like seeing men in their 30s with Chilli Peppers posters still on their bedroom walls, eating Super Noodles on toast, drinking wine from a mug or proudly having a street sign on their mantelpiece: hilarious as students, but looks pitiful now.
via Daily Mail
TAKE PITY ON SPENCER, MIC SCRIPTWRITERS! He’s outgrown the role of posh commitment-phobe. And you can see it in his eyes. Spencer Matthews is an intelligent chap and he’s got a sense of humour. You try and hide his personality but every time you place him in a choreographed ‘awkward silence’ I see the flicker of embarrassment in his eyes. It’s subtle, but it’s there; the undercurrent of self-loathing is palpable. You can see him humouring the show, silently shrieking to himself that it’s ‘all in the name of fun!’ but it’s through gritted teeth and the evident lack of respect he has for himself for partaking in this charade brings a tear to my eye. Spencer, you’re playing the party boy well, as contract dictates, but every now and then you can’t disguise it – I see your dead shark eyes, the cold and defeated eyes of a 1000 year-old prostitute. Quite frankly, MIC, it’s just terribly unpleasant to watch.
via Digital Spy
Jamie, on the other hand - he’s still in the game, in a big way. He might act like a div, but he’s endearing really. Like a mini Boris Johnson; a white haired clumsy buffoon of a chap who will try his utmost to be a fine, noble gentleman, but will undoubtedly screw everything up EVERY SINGLE TIME, because he has the furious energy of a boy who was a bit geeky at school and reinvents himself at university – I’ve got to make up for lost time, booooiii! Bless his soul, it’s not his fault. He suffers a genuine and constant inner turmoil about who he loves, because ‘it’s just not faaaair! But I want to play with ALL the girls!’ But he’s adorable, and his curiousfashion choices make him even moreso. It’s not often that you see grown a man in a swimming pool rocking a black trilby with a pheasant feather stuck in the top - but his vest with ‘HIGH FIVE YOURSELF’ emblazoned on the chest is my fave.
Back in London - what’s with all the polo necks, ladies? I’m not enjoying this throwback 90s fashion, I’ve got to say. Whatever dweeb at Topshop (incidentally, Mark Francis declares Topshop ‘a total turn-off’) decided that this was going to be the new ironic look for hip twenty-somethings needs to be dealt with. I was there, IT WAS ATROCIOUS. I wore the floppy velvet Blossom-style hat, I did the tartan excess, the unflattering denim and it’s just NOT OKAY to bring it back.
Aside from the questionable fashion choices, someone in the MIC costume department should also be getting strong words for not thinking about the air date, because there's a lotta winter fashion going on - Andy, par example, rocks up to the airport in a woollen camel coat for a flight to Barbados. BARBADOS.
via Made in Chelsea Facebook & E4
But this does neatly bring me brings me to Andy – oh, Andy! What a bloody nice chap! A breath of fresh air amongst the world of Chelsea cads, AND HE PLAYS GUITAR. He’s strong and sensitive, what’s not to like? But oh no. Jess, the new object of his affections, has already confessed that she likes bad boys and that he’s not enough of a douchebag for her, placing her in THE ULTIMATE QUANDARY – Andy or Jamie? (Andy, every time.) But you know, they’ll drag this love triangle out for another 10 episodes.
This might all be a bit male centric, but that’s not because I likes eyeing up posh totty, but because the girls are just utter drivel. The guys might also act like a bunch of idiots, but at least they actually look happy and like they’re having fun. All the women do is whinge about blokes. Ever heard of The Bechdel Test? It is thus: The Bechdel Test asks if a work of fiction features at least two women who talk to each other about something other than a man - Made in Chelsea fails on a grand scale. Obvs.
via Buzzfeed
Poor Binky spends the episode desperately squawking about how Alex ‘will never change’ to quiet the agony still present in her heart about his grotesque infidelity. And you know, I feel robbed by you, Made in Chelsea writers, because Binky was one of the only girls with a bit of grit; a bit of a down to earth tomboy with a sense of fun. AND LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO HER. She’s now a heartbroken mess with the trademark MIC wig down to her waist and too much eyeliner.
I’ll have to tell her about Alex and Spencer’s sexual barnet wars mid-orgy, perhaps it will ease her pain somewhat. Binky, please cut your hair and go back to being awesome. And think about Alex - why do you think his quiff is so big? It’s because it’s full of rubber johnnies, that’s why. You don’t need to be with a man like that.
And we're only one episode in, but my heart is alight with Made in Chelsea love. Until next time, MIC...