We're always getting weird and wonderful products turning up at LNOF HQ and this month they have brought some well-needed cheer to the dark Autumnal days. As we’re a thoughtful bunch, we thought it only proper to share these with you, along with a few inspirational ideas on how to use these beauties to bring you some festive cheer.
Beer Mug
Willy Shaped Beer Mug
£9.99
The festive season can mean only one thing for us veteran alcoholics here at Last Night of Freedom: Mulled wine. And, call us traditionalists, but we tend to think that it is best enjoyed when sipped from an over-sized penis in a violent shade of pink. Not only is this item pleasingly jolly but it’s also wonderfully practical.
The chunky acrylic body of the mug insulates your beverage in a cocoon of warmth and festive cheer, keeping your mulled deliciousness at the optimum glugging temperature. Forget everything you know about hot, spiced beverage consumption, because the Penis Shaped Beer Mug is the last word in Yuletide inebriation. (This product has now unfortunately been discontinued)
Snore No More
The nights are drawing in, the mornings are dark and everybody around you is turning into a snivelling mess. And it’s bad enough that the office is a breeding ground for germs and everyone is whinging on about how they feel ‘under the weather’, but then you get back home to your beloved, expecting a hot pie to be awaiting – and they’re at it as well.
How do you deal with this tricky little situation? By offering them a Lemsip? A back rub? Perhaps run them a hot Radox bath? No, no – you know what will make them feel better. So you light a few scented candles, pop on a bit of Marvin Gaye and lead them to the bedroom… where they pass out snoring, making a sound like a roaring bear in a metal dustbin, rolling down a mountain and flying off a waterfall. Step in the Snore No More – it’s time to teach them a lesson and give them a little facial thrashing during the night. Never did anyone any harm, did it? After all, you’ve got to look after number one.
Lolly Cock
At first, this sugary, shiny and, quite frankly, hideously detailed candy cock, seems like it wouldn’t bring a lot to traditional Yuletide festivities. However, this is a wildly practical and versatile item. It weighs in at a healthy 155g, making it the ideal replacement for a rolling pin if you find you’ve misplaced yours (again) and need to knock up a quick batch of mince pies for the school nativity.
It’s also more than just a cock - generous testicles are included too – and this added weight makes it the perfect utensil to use for tenderising meat before the big day. Finally, it doubles up as a – albeit much larger and less attractive – substitute for a candy cane if you’re running low when decorating the Christmas tree. Its size means that it has the drawback of pulling down the branch quite dramatically – but nothing says Christmas like a giant, glistening confectionery cock hauling down the decorations.
Horny Jelly Men
Now that we’ve successfully ruined the nights of a few unfortunate trick or treaters, it’s time we move onto the Christmas market. So forget big tins of Celebrations or Quality Street, forget the old satsuma at the bottom of your stocking, forget the post-lunch Matchmakers or After Eights – let’s spice Christmas up a bit. What you need is a range of multi-coloured mini jelly men with erections to get the Yuletide celebrations really under way.
They also double up as handy sugar-fix through these bitter, freezing winter days – you know when you’re out and about and feeling tired from ploughing through snowy fields on your walk home and you think ‘I need a sugar fix or I am just going to pass out cold’? Well simply whip out your box of Horny Jelly Men and pop a little stiffy in your mouth. It’ll keep you going until tea time.
Gimp Costume
There’s a chill in the air and soon Jack Frost will be biting at your toes. You can snuggle up in a big woollen jumper and the lumpy scarf your mum crocheted for you last Christmas, but at this time of year it may still not be enough. Here at LNOF HQ, we’re used to some pretty biting weather, what with being up in the frozen North East, and we know the true benefits of that extra thermal layer during the winter months.
Now, because we care about you and want you to be happy, we’ve begun stocking this handy suit to keep you toasty warm. The snug fit means that it can be worn under your normal clothes and traps heat close to the skin. It is also handy for those traditional last minute leather-clad BDSM orgies.
Top Boobs
The clocks have gone back and, with those long, dark evenings, you’re going to want to find a way to entertain the family during the festive season. If your tribe can’t get through a game of Monopoly without at least one punch-up then you’ll be needing some fresh entertainment to keep them quiet whilst you’re knitting turkeys and roasting jumpers or whatever.
Top Boobs is fun for all the family. Simple to understand and with minimal equipment required, this is very much an ‘anytime’ game; Christmas, weddings, Bar Mitzvahs … in fact, we’re struggling to think of a situation that wouldn’t be brightened up by the addition of 104 individual tits.