Must. Not. Tell the jager-bomb strip-tease Malaga disaster of 2006...
1. Don't say: ‘What happens on the stag do, stays on the stag do! Eh, mate?!’
Not going to do you any favours with the bride. Or the groom. Or your girlfriend.
2. Don't go for the back-handed rough opening.
‘When I first met Tom, I thought he was a massive prick… but then I got know him and realised he’s a really, really, really great bloke.’
3. When talking about the bride, refer to her as ‘beautiful’ - NOT ‘fit’.
When the father of the bride envisioned his little girl getting married, he did not envision her being called ‘fit’.
4. Don't include any break-up banter.
‘After the fifteenth time Tom and Kate broke up we all thought it was over for good. But somehow they’ve managed to salvage something from that huge pool of angry resentment, opposing values and life-goals and Tom’s drunken indiscretions… and we’re now here to celebrate them making a lifelong commitment to each other. To the bride and groom!’
5. No anti-marriage jokes.
‘So, now you two can watch loads of TV and nag each other about menial household tasks! Wheeeeyy!’
6. No childish jokes.
‘Well, we actually all thought that Simon was gay!’
No. Amateur. And so Year 10.
7. Don't make any doomsday remarks.
‘Well, if it doesn’t work out, I know a great divorce lawyer!’ or ‘I hope you’ve signed a pre-nup guys!’
Guffaw, guffaw. People will smile politely, laugh nervously, and you’ll remain single.
8. Don't make any lewd creepy Uncle-type jokes.
‘Well, may all your ups and downs be between the sheets!’
9. Don't mention the bride or groom’s exes, especially if one of them has been married before.
‘Hope this marriage is more successful than your last one, mate!’
It ain’t going to go down well.
10. Don’t make it about all about you.
‘When I was doing charity work in Africa building houses for hungry orphans, I told them stories so rich in wisdom that I mended their hearts and souls, as well as their homes.’
Yes, yes, you’re awesome, but this isn’t your moment.
11. Don’t lose your nerve. Or your speech.
‘Well, I haven’t actually prepared anything… didn’t think you guys would make it this far to be honest...’