There will be costumes...
There are an almost infinite amount of group themes out there. You can pray to the gods of stag dos that it’s a cool one, like getting kitted out in snazzy Opposuits, but you might not be that lucky. Chances are you'll be dressed up as a group of Hawaiian hula girls, giant genitals or in uber-flattering Morphsuits. That said, the more ridiculous the better on a stag do - embrace your new and improved style.
…and if not, there will be T-shirts
Whatever ‘Mike’s Epic Stag do/Lads On Tour/Game Over’ slogan on the front, you will be expected to wear a personalised T-shirt with a TOP BANTEROUS nickname for the back… but if the banter is not #OffTheScale #Bantosaurusrex #HoundOfTheBantserville enough, then it will be chosen for you, and you don't want that. Beware.
Prepare for an unholy amount of booze
Saying that we Brits love a drink may be the understatement of the century, but still, little can prepare you for the sheer volume of consumption that will go down on your stag do. This is drinking on another level. You aren't simply drinking cold pints of beer, there's all sorts of paraphernalia involved, such as beer bongs and drinking games, designed with the express purpose of getting you as drunk as possible in the shortest amount of time. Prepare your body and buckle in.
You will be picked on
via Telegraph and Daily Star
You will be the subject of some cruel and unusual pranks, games and forfeits – with no discernible logic to them. It could be a kidnapping, it could be draconian drinking rules that only apply to you, it could be some new level of creativity as yet unthought-of. If there’s one thing that a group of blokes is good at, it’s getting exceptionally creative in the name of humiliating their mates. Ah, but it's what friends are for.
You’ll turn into Bear Grylls
When it's not all drinking and debauchery, the stag do will likely throw you out of your comfort zone and into some Bear Grylls wannabe that you'd run a mile from in day to day life. From paintballing and zorbing to sky diving or ice climbing - buckle in, boys. It just ain't a stag do if you don't find yourself hurtling through a field in a giant inflatable ball or jumping head-first out of a plane.
You're probably going to wear a dress
via Daily Mail and Twitter
From the dawn of stag dos, tradition dictates you must be dressed as a she-lady and have your new feminine beauty showcased in public. Whether it’s Snow White, a pregnant Prom Queen or a full blown drag queen, just remember to smile your lipsticked smile and flutter your eyelashes - as you'll not be getting out of this one.
There will be strippers
In the world of stag dos, there are certain codes and when it comes to strippers, and you can usually crack the code like this: 'There'll be strippers' and 'There'll not be any strippers' both translate to 'Yeah, there's definitely going to be strippers'. Though usually this is all about stag do tradition, it's not all about tucking dollar bills into hot ladies' G-strings (but it is a bit of that too). Just be prepared that, as the stag, there's a chance you'll be dragged up on stage for maximum embarrassment.
You won’t get a chilled-out hangover day
You may feel like following your weekend morning fry-up with an industrial strength brew with 18 sugars and then sliding back into bed with a box set and an abundance of self-pity, but the stag do is no time for weakness. Instead, you'll find yourself running around a woodland and splattering one another with speeding paint or zooming around some woodland on a quad bike. This is kill or cure for hangovers. Get stuck in.
Some of this is Best Man speech fodder
Hopefully you have the sort of top pals that will keep your stag humiliation to the stag do alone, but bear in mind that your beloved Best Man may be acquiring some quality material for his big speech. You have three options, either: behave yourself, put your trust in the boys not to tell, or do something so horrendous that even Dickhead Dave wouldn’t bring it up on your wedding day. Just bear in mind that if you end up wearing a bikini and passed out face down in a Dixy Chicken, that this may come back to haunt you...