It’s that time of year again and men up and down the country are sporting a little extra facial fur (with varying degrees of success). That’s right gents, it’s Movember.
When did this happen? You spend all of October trying to come up with a unique and clever Halloween costume and then the moment that’s over, you suddenly have to sprout a handlebar moustache. Can a man no longer get a moment‘s peace?
Caption competition for my expression. Answers on a postcard!
We have to admit, it snuck up on us too. One minute it was all pumpkins and pretty leaves and the next thing we know, our Facebook feeds were filling up with
charity donation pages and close-ups of our friends’ top lips. All of the hipsters on Twitter have turned their beards into luxuriant mutton chops and have left other mere mortals feeling inadequate.
If you don’t feel as though you’re quite up to producing abundant amounts of facial hair then you have another option: fake it. With a range of styles now on the market, you can have your pick of facial fakery.
"I moustache you a question..."
Notable Wearers: Ron Swanson, Fredrich Nietzsche, Tom Selleck, British Airways pilots
A good starter moustache. Simple and high impact. Involves minimal grooming and will evoke a certain gravitas like that of a Victorian industrialist. There are many variants of the Duster; from a modest lip covering to a show-stopping broom of a 'tache. Requires regular combing.
A controversial facial statement
Notable Wearers: Charlie Chaplin, just Charlie Chaplin, no one else.
This moustache is a bit of a minefield. People have attempted to bring it back since that guy ruined it for everyone. So far the best we’ve managed is a fairly self-conscious rebrand as the moustache of Charlie Chaplin. For advanced moustachers only.
Genius at work
Notable Wearers: Albert Eintsein, Mark Twain, Pops from The Muppet Show
The greying ramshackle nature of this fine face piece gives the wearer an air of eccentric genius. Excellent for absent minded stroking before making an exclamation of brilliance. The less groomed the better, keeping maintenance time to a minimum and allowing the wearer to devote more time to deep thoughts.
"Ah, zee little grey cells"
The (wonky) Poirot
Notable Wearers: Hercule Poirot, Salvador Dali, flat-white-drinking-penny-farthing-riding hipsters
Best known as the pride and joy of one Belgian detective, Monsieur Poirot, this face lace is the Rolls Royce of the well-groomed ‘tache. Ideal for pensive twiddling. Should only be worn by the older gent to avoid looking like a hipster knob.
Notable Wearers: Manuel (Fawlty Towers), Freddie Mercury, Edward Elgar, Danny Trejo
A luscious option for the gentleman blessed with powerful moustache prowess. Excellent for father figures, village elders and Victorians in general. This moustache should be kept slick and shiny at all times so as to remain a beacon of respectability. Should only be attempted by experienced moustache owners.
Wanna see if the collars match the cuffs?
Notable Wearers: Keith Lemon, Ron Burgundy, Zach Galifianakis
Redheads are undergoing a bit of a renaissance of late and the ‘tache will not be left behind. The internet is full of teenage girls squealing over lusciously bearded, ginger sea captains, but where’s the fun in that? The Keith, as the name would suggest, is a slightly pervier version. Minimal maintenance required, preferably worn a little skewwhiff.
All hail the tickly glory
The Lady Killer
Notable Wearers: No confirmed sightings
A titanic effort at a magnificent nose broom; this moustache should only be undertaken by dedicated professionals. Scientifically proven to attract panting females at a range of half a mile, maintaining this moustache is a full time occupation and none have been seen in the wild for centuries. Some charlatans have attempted to pass off a lesser moustache as the genuine article using a complex system of ropes and pulleys, but a true example of the Lady Killer must defy gravity unaided.
This is the beginning of the end...
The End of Days
Notable Wearers: Run
Legends have foretold of a moustache to end all moustaches. The Bringer of Darkness, the Fifth Horseman, the Alpha and the Omega. Hell hath no fury like this colossus and there will be no escape, no respite, once its bushy majesty descends. There have been sightings throughout history, but no known survivors. The only known collection of photographs that depict this hairy behemoth were mysteriously destroyed in a fire in 1939.