Things Not to Say to a Single Person

Last Updated 17/06/2015

Contrary to common belief, being single does not mean that one does not enjoy weddings. They are beautifully romantic affairs and there’s usually a fair bit of free champagne - what’s not to enjoy? However, if you’re single, the chances are that you will be subjected to a tidal wave of pity, a lot of sympathetic head tilting and overtly cheery words of ‘reassurance’. These are things not to say to a single person at a wedding…

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1. "It’ll happen when you least expect it."

Sounds vaguely threatening if I'm honest...

Heidi Klum rolling eyes

via BuzzFeed

2. "At least you don’t need to shave your legs as often!"

Yes, one of the unbridled joys of being single is the 60 seconds I save shaving my legs every other day. And actually, I still shave my legs.

Kristen Wiig in Bridesmaids ironically raising a glass of champagne

via BuzzFeed

3. "How are you single?! You’re so amazing!"

How are you married? You’re so patronising!

Woman fake laughing

via BuzzFeed

4. "Maybe you’re too picky?"

Of course I’m picky. You should see how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet.

Woman looking appalled and saying 'no thank you, please'

via BuzzFeed

5. "Oh, look over there! He’s cute!"

That’s my Uncle Nigel. And he gets excessively drunk and wildly inappropriate at every family occasion.

Young woman drinking a bottle of vodka

via BuzzFeed

6. "I’m so jealous, I always wished I was a career woman."

Honey, this ain’t the 1950s; being married doesn’t mean baking pies and necking Valium you know. However, if it does, then hell, I should be the one who’s jealous.

Young woman saying 'I'm so jealous I could murder you'

via BuzzFeed

7. "You need to love yourself before you find love with someone else."

Definitely not an issue, babez. They say you are what you eat, but I don’t remember eating a f*cking legend.

Michelle Dockery as Lady Mary Crawley from Downton Abbey rolling eyes

via BuzzFeed

7. "Are you still with whatshisface? No? Oh, I liked him!"

Well I didn’t. He had OCD about the cutlery drawer and wanted to high five after sex.

Christina Hendricks as Joan Holloway from Mad Men rolling eyes

via BuzzFeed

9. "Ah one day when you’re married and stuck in the countryside with three kids, you’ll be wishing you were single!"

Yeah man, sounds hideous compared to my tiny flat in Luton that I rent with another 4 adults.

Zooey Deschanel in New Girl saying 'I'm cool'

via BuzzFeed

10. "Have you thought about joining a book club or a night class?"

Sorry, but I don’t actually live in a 1990s Richard Curtis film.

Young gangster woman saying 'Shup up'

via BuzzFeed

11. "You [went to the cinema / ate in a restaurant / walked on the beach] alone? OMG, you’re soooo brave!"

I know! I’m like an ickle wickle child being a brave soldier going to the dentist! Except I don’t get a shiny sticker and an apple afterwards #unfair

Young woman rolling eyes

via BuzzFeed

12. Man Friend: "It’s so much easier for women. You could go into a bar and sleep with any man there."

You: Have you heard of standards? I DON’T WANT TO SLEEP WITH ANY RANDOM MAN.

Woman saying 'If need be, I will marry myself'

via BuzzFeed

13. "You just need to get out there."

Ah, yes, if only I’d thought of that. I could have been getting on with my life and going to work, seeing my friends, family, socialising, but instead I’d just locked myself in the attic like Mr. Rochester’s wife in Jayne Eyre. Silly me!

Connie Britton saying 'No, you're not fine. You're gonna die alone'

via BuzzFeed

14. "Can I play on your Tinder?!"

Yes, because my love life is such a fun game! And I'm not on Tinder. Definitely not.

Charlize Theron on mobile phone

via BuzzFeed

15. "Ooooh, it’s time to catch the bouquet!"

Ah yes, a gladiatorial fight between single people while loved up couples cheer you on with pity.

Bride throwing bouquet and hitting a bridesmaid in the face

via BuzzFeed

16. "The right man is just around the corner!"

Well that’s creepy, why doesn’t he introduce himself.

Young woman on beach saying 'Oh, okay, now this is getting uncomfortable'

via BuzzFeed

17. "Don’t wait too long!"

Well, quite. Should I end the night with one of the groomsmen or by making an appointment to freeze my eggs?

Two women talking and one saying 'I hate everyone'

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18. "Oooooh, I know [another single human] – let’s set you up!"

Well that’s my only criteria, that they must also be single. High standards, you see.

Woman saying 'Ann, you beautiful spinster. I will find you love.

via BuzzFeed

19. "I’ll be your wingwoman! We’ll have so much fun!"

No, you’ll drink lots of wine and shriek and introduce me to people with a wild look in your eyes and a wink, which will be utterly cringey and any man will think Im weird for being friends with you.

Bridget Jones drinking and saying 'I choose vodka'

via BuzzFeed