The 10 Absolute Worst Sex Tips for Men

Last Updated 12/05/2015
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So, you’ve wined and dined your beautiful lady friend, hey, things are going great, but now the time has come for a ruddy good romp and you understandably what to show her a good time. Perhaps you’ve googled a few tips in the taxi back to your place and found yourself in the weird world of mens’ magazine sexperts.

Man in tighty whities and a shocked woman

Well that's...unusual

Men’s Health is the worst offender – furtively whispering misguided advice, using unnecessarily scientific terminology, in between smashing back a protein shake and doing another set of bicep curls. GQ seems to think it’s got the psychology of lurve down to a fine art, offering insights on which brands of deception and subterfuge would be most effective at tricking a female into a bit of bonking. Then there’s Ask Men, the magazine equivalent of your older brother’s mate called Deano who starts every sentence with ‘Apparently, right…’

Below is a compendium of some of the tactics these sexual connoisseurs recommend you employ in order to wow your woman (N.B. As a bona fide lady person, I do implore you, gentlemen, never to do any of these things to a real, live woman).

Have 'Facial Intercourse'

‘Try facial intercourse. This smooch mimics sex from foreplay to penetration, beginning with a tongue exploration inside the mouth. Rub your tongues together in small and large circles, then dart them in and out of your mouths as if you were having intercourse.’ (Men’s Health)

If at any point during this complicated routine, she looks frightened or confused, that is the signal to begin ‘having intercourse’.

Publicly Lick Her

‘If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it.’ (Men’s Health)

Warning: Only attempt this if you are a labradoodle.

Pug licking screen

via giphy

Trick Her

‘Give her a massage to trigger blood flow down below—in her feet, that is. Women need to warm up their feet and feel comfortable before they’re in the mood for sex, a 2003 European study found.’ To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to ‘stretch one leg out to work on [your] johnson with her toes.’ (Men’s Health)

Pro-tip: if you’re looking to set the mood, don’t refer to your lover’s feet as ‘trotters’. Also, don’t dress the fact that you want a foot job in ‘giving her a foot massage’.

Do Some Stretches

‘[H]ave her kneel on the edge of the bed with her upper chest touching the mattress. This elongates the vaginal barrel, making it feel tighter.’ (Men’s Health)

Vaginal Barrel.

Be a Gent

‘81% of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking.’ (Men’s Health)

And in another shocking turn of events, 81% bears sh*t in the woods. Okay, so this isn’t technically bad advice, but it’s a little concerning that they think it needs saying at all to be honest.

WWE shocked face

via tumblr

Treat Her Sweet

‘Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob.’ (Men’s Health)

Or the betrayed and confused gaze of a women who doesn’t understand why you would ruin a perfectly good jar of Nutella. Do you just dip, or do you leave the jar on for display purposes? I feel as though this move raises more questions than it answers,

Track Her Menstrual Cycle

“Many women feel compelled to vacuum their house when they’re ovulating. Some experts believe it has something to do with wanting to ‘clean the nest’ before they lay their ‘egg’. So, when a woman tells you she’s vacuuming, say: ‘Vacuuming? Are you ovulating or something?’ She’ll be stunned that you know this and wonder what else you know about female sexuality. Of course, if she doesn’t know what you mean, fill her in. Women love it when you teach them something new – especially about themselves.” (Ask Men)

Well, she’ll certainly be stunned all right. Many women also feel compelled to vacuum their house when there is crap all over the floor and, as we all know, that is almost as sexy as the idea of ovulation (it should also be noted that this comes from an article entitled ‘Top 10 Ways to Flirt with a Woman, Sexually’).

Swaddle Her

‘While you're rolling around in bed, wrap her up in the sheet so she can't do anything with her arms (think burrito or straitjacket).’ (Men’s Health)

This is also a great way to get a knee to the groin from your startled and immobilised girlfriend.

Dog Burrito

via imgur

Lie To Her

‘Sometimes jealousy is a real aphrodisiac. Why not give her the illusion that you've been cheating on her without any of the actual cheating. Have a friend call your cell phone repeatedly at odd hours, or quickly cover up your computer screen whenever she walks into a room. Now take her in your arms. Surprise! You've been taking a ballroom dancing class the whole time.’ (GQ)

Trickery, deceit and humiliation, all of the perfect ingredients for a healthy, loving relationship!

Terrify Her

‘Propose a horror movie marathon. "Being scared is physiologically arousing, and in the right company, it may eventually carry over to sexual arousal," says Joanne Cantor, Ph.D. After the movie, she may find your glances more erotically charged and your touches more stimulating, she says. If your date isn't into over-the-top terror, à la Saw VI, watch classic thrillers instead, like The Silence of the Lambs.’ (Men’s Health)

Because nothing gets a ladyperson in the mood quite like the idea of a ‘skin suit’. To create a real ambience, perhaps you could also jump out on her as she comes out of the bathroom and perhaps consider introducing spiders into foreplay.