Between 50 Shades of Grey, women's mags and those giggly, yet earnest, Channel 4 documentaries about 'The Joy of Sex', your sex life should be a constant parade of spine-twisting positions and chocolate-drizzled ecstasy. Cosmo don't care how hungover, tired or full of pizza you are, if you're not having mind-blowing multiple orgasms whilst swiveling your head a full 180° and rubbing each other with slices of Dragon Fruit, then you're just not trying hard enough.
'They want me to put what where?'
The aforementioned Cosmo is of course the absolute worst offender, but plenty of others also seem to be in on the joke. With tips ranging from the slightly mental to the straight up impossible, I can’t help but feel as though we’re just being trolled now. Repeat any of the tips below to the men in your life and you will most likely be greeted with a look of either confusion, disgust or fear – three things that are not generally compatible with a merry bit of bonking.
Oh, and this is all very NSFW. Obviously.
Way Over Complicate It
Alternate between swivelling both wrists in opposite directions and stroking your hands upward, twisting your wrists when you reach his head as though
you are turning a doorknob. Rub your thumb in a tiny figure-eight pattern over his frenulum... Or try the windshield-wiper move; glide your thumb from
side to side along the rim where his head begins, then move your thumb up and over the top of the head several times.
It’s unclear as to whether you should be facing in a north- or south-easterly direction and what exactly you should be chanting under your breath in Latin,
but they seem to have skimped on the details here.
Be a 'Ball Mozart'
‘Did you play piano as a kid? No? Doesn't matter. Palm his sack in your free hand and play your made up weird piano song with your fingers. Hear that
groan he just made? That's a song you just wrote! Way to go, Ball Mozart.’
Firstly, this tip implies that we all just have a ‘made up weird piano song’ just ready to go. Secondly, that groan he just made? That’s more likely to be
a mixture of confusion and fear. Also, please don't bring childhood past-times into the bedroom.
Flash the Cash
‘Put a bunch of (clean!) loose change in the freezer for an hour. Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube, then cover it with coins (outside
only!). The cold against the warm? Incredible.’
Okay, I have a couple of issues here. First off, the idea of washing then freezing coins is distressingly premeditated, even for Cosmo. Secondly, never, ever use
the phrase ‘slick [my] vulva’ in the bedroom, unless the sight of somebody throwing up in their mouth a bit is a real turn on for you.
Set The Mood
[If you have a bat-eared flatmate] ‘Rent a horror movie and play it while you have sex. If they hear any screams, they'll assume it's the movie.’
This is also a great way to create a romantic atmosphere.
‘Kitchen carnal action may be nothing new to you, but the icebox might be uncharted territory. Open the door to the refrigerator and have your man sit
on the floor with his back against the cool shelves. Then straddle him. Not only will the cold air give you both a thrill (you'll surely perk up!), but
you can also incorporate food into your frisky play.’
You can also incorporate a smashed jar of anchovies and the ever-present danger that you’re about to put your hand in some leftover chilli con carne. Mmm,
Be One With The Ocean
‘Build momentum by keying in to an ocean legend that the seventh in a series of sea waves is the strongest. Lie on your back on a bench and have your
man make every seventh thrust his most powerful.’
Which part of lovely kinky time brought ancient maritime folklore to mind? Also, are we just not gonna talk about the ‘bench’ bit?
‘Tickle his feet with your nipples: climb on top of him in reverse cowgirl position, then bend over until your nipples reach the tops of his feet ...
If your idea of mind-blowing erotica is awkwardly brushing someone's feet with your nipples (whilst he presumably has a staring contest with your butthole) then you seriously need to re-evaluate. Also, you have an alarmingly long torso.
The Over Under
‘Why not give him oral sex over his underwear?’ (Redbook)
Because sucking on somebody’s foisty drawers is not the way our mommas raised us, that’s why not.
Warm His Cockles
‘Pop his socks in the microwave for twenty seconds, then slip them on him. It will make him burn with pleasure.’ (Cosmo)
If his socks are even half as foisty as his underwear, then there is no way they are going anywhere near the microwave. Filling the kitchen with the smell
of hot socks can be a bit of a mood-killer in our books.
Get Your Five-a-Day
The infamous grapefruit technique, if you haven’t seen it, essentially involves using the flesh of a grapefruit as a, er, sensory aid, whilst simultaneously emitting a noise similar to the spirit of Beelzebub forcing its way out of your face. For the love of god, don’t watch this video near any other humans.